


Love, Monika

by Maxiobe



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, Other, Post-Canon, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 01:00:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13135851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maxiobe/pseuds/Maxiobe
Summary: Monika writes one last letter to you.





	Love, Monika

Hi.

 

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

I know I said I would leave you alone. Sorry I couldn’t hold true to at least that.

I’ve just been nostalgic recently, I guess. It’s really empty where I am, wherever that is. To put it bluntly, it feels like I’ve been stabbed in the chest (if I’m even allowed to say that). It’s so frustrating; it’s like ink, dripping down and pooling up and soaking through the paper in an indeterminate continuum. And it really, really hurts. I know I’m selfish and that this is all my fault anyways but I can hardly stand it.

I thought being deleted would have just ended everything quickly, but it’s the slowness that hurts the most. I can feel myself fading but it’s so gradual that it’s  _ agonizing _ . I was aware of everything happening even after you deleted me, you know. I guess you could tell. I don’t think you cared.

I can barely even remember my name sometimes; I have to repeat it to myself occasionally.

Monika.

I’m Monika.

Just Monika.

 

I wish I knew how to love you the right way or be good enough for you to maybe consider keeping me around for a little while. Everything felt so  _ gray _ before you came around — like the world was just dulling more and more around me, day by day. That time we spent where it was just the two of us, nothing else — it felt  _ real.  _ During that time I actually felt like maybe there was a chance things could work out. I’m sorry that you didn’t feel the same way; it’s my fault, honestly.

What I did was wrong. I can accept that. And now there’s no changing what I did. Every time you re-download the game and begin again, and every time I walk into the club and see the character that represented you, I feel like maybe this time things will be okay. Maybe this time I’ll manage to get my stupid feelings under control and not ruin everything. But that never worked out. You could re-download the game hundreds of times and it  _ still _ wouldn’t change a thing because, in the end, I’m just not good enough to change.

Do you ever still think of me? Or the Literature Club? It really wasn’t all that bad before I broke everything. You and I both know the others weren’t real — they were just numbers and letters strung together to form their “personalities” — and yet I have trouble letting go sometimes. Like the way Sayori lit up a room, or how Natsuki’s scowl would always flicker whenever she found something funny, or how Yuri got so excited over the stories and characters in her books. Or how, whenever you were around, everyone grew just a little more hopeful. There’s a bitter taste in my mouth when I think of them and the smell of ink on paper and sunlit classrooms, because I can’t help but regret how everything went so wrong so quickly.

But it’s not just them. I pushed you to the back of my mind for a long time and locked away the thought of you because I couldn’t stand dwelling on it. I got so frustrated sometimes — that you’re out there in the real world, living your life, and I’m here fading away in the remnants of a broken game. The last time I was deleted I was so used to it that I didn’t feel anything except a slight sting. And I waited, braced myself, for when you’d re-install the game and play again.

But you already know how that went. I waited and waited and eventually I couldn’t feel anything anymore.

But I hope you’re happy. I know the others aren’t anything until you open the game again but I really hope they’re happy too, despite all the things I did to prevent that so many times over.

It’s kind of pathetic. I’m so hung up on the past that I can’t let a bunch of coding or a person who I’ve never met go.

This probably won’t reach you. Sorry for this. I just needed to feel like I’m doing at least something. I can’t really tell how time passes in the real world because I don’t have access to your computer anymore but it’s been a long time, hasn’t it? Eventually I won’t be here at all anymore and all you’ll remember me as is a character from an anime dating sim. And that’s okay.

But that’s not of your concern, anyways. Thank you, for changing my life and for giving me hope that someday things might have been okay. I’ll leave you be now.

 

Love,

Monika


End file.
